How to be a Fine Girlfriend
Don't be known as the shitty friend. Miss "I don't have many girl friends. I only have guy friends."
Girlfriend. Home girl. Sister. HER.
"Do you know her?"
We should know her. We should BE her. But do we know what it takes to be HER?
Do you know what it takes to be a good friend? Do you know the G code? That's the girl code and if you don't know the basic rules; you are probably a shitty friend. Okay, kind of harsh but necessary. Stay with me.
Basic girl code includes the same as any relationship; open communication, honesty, respect and loyalty. You have to nurture the relationship or else it will fail. There is so much written on how to nurture a romantic relationship but there isn't as much on how to be a good friend. Is it innate? It should be however; I think it should not always be assumed. There are some occasions where we sometimes miss the mark.
1. Birthdays or Special Occasions Specifically for Her- Do you make sure you ask her in advance what her plans are? Or do you wait for her to bring it up? Do you ask her significant other or other girlfriends what they plan on doing? Sometimes you have a girlfriend that is vocal and makes these plans in advance but in the event that you have a girlfriend that isn't as outspoken about what she wants; think about her likes and dislikes. YOU KNOW HER. It doesn't need to be something expensive or outlandish. Maybe you get her a cupcake and her favorite wine. Maybe you send her flowers or decorative coffee mug with tea because both of you love piping hot TEA. Something sentimental holds more weight. The same as with a relationship with a significant other making sure that day is a little more special than any other day. What if your significant other said "well, you didn't tell me what you wanted" as an excuse for not acknowledging the special day?
2. Other Friend Groups- You may have other girlfriends that she may not hang with because she only knows them through you. She isn't as close to them; if at all. This is where full transparency comes in. Making plans for a girls night? Going on a girls trip? Or maybe you are just going to happy hour? You need to make sure you open that invite to all your girlfriends. The last thing you need is to post a picture on social media with one group of friends and your girlfriend sees it like "well, damn...I guess I am not as special." You should open the invite and give them the option to accept or decline. We as women do not want to hear "Oh, it was last minute. I didn't even want to go." Well, you did and you suck.
3. Singling Out Friends- You need to have a line of demarcation in your friendship circle in the circumstance where you have to choose one girlfriend for something such as being the maid of honor in your wedding or accompanying you to event where you have one extra ticket. Your other girlfriends should know automatically that she is the one because otherwise, you will hurt some feelings. I use the number "one" girlfriend for example purposes but I know there are women with more than one best girlfriend. This is perfectly fine but my main point is there should be a definitive line of who is closer because not everyone would be on the same level. This could be based on how long you've known them, how much you have been through with them, or if they are related such as a sister or cousin. You've seen the movie "Bridesmaids" so let's avoid the bestie mic snatching. However; if you find yourself in the position where you haven't made it clear and there is no hierarchy, I recommend doing something by chance such as playing paper/rock/scissors or pulling names out of a hat to remove the bias from the situation.
I think once we have figured out the girl code; we think we are in the clear and it's smooth sailing from that point. Well, IT'S NOT.
As a girl matures into a woman and starts accumulate more titles such as significant other, fiancee, wife, and/or mother; being a good girlfriend becomes a challenge. We know each of these titles comes with more work. Rewarding work but more work nonetheless. So how does this change the dynamic of being a good girlfriend?
I believe once we tack on these titles; we put our girlfriends to a lower priority. Hopefully, we keep it as a priority altogether. Come on. We all know the girl that suddenly cut everyone off after acquiring these titles.
You need to make time for girlfriends. Yes, you have to fulfill the duties of a significant other, fiancee, wife, and/or mother however; you still need your time to unwind, vent and just have someone supportive that understands you as a woman. She may be going through the same thing so you have that time to bond and release some stress.
Don't assume she is too busy holding those other titles or "always says no" to an invite to hang out. She may seem too busy or has declined a few times before but give her that option. And if she continues to decline so much where you think it's beginning to change your relationship; that is when you tell her how you feel. Start that open dialog and continue to grow together. I think it's so easy for women to cut off the "she is too busy" friend and make other friends which causes resentment. If you do not make time for girlfriends; you will become the "she is too busy" friend.
If she does something out of line; address it. This is especially true if she does or says something out of line to someone else you know. You should be able to tell her she is wrong and not avoid the situation. We need more people being truthful with us and not just tell us what we want to hear. Also, be open to her addressing you on something you did or said. And whatever you do; do not talk about her to another friend. You should be able to tell her this face to face. It keeps you both accountable.
When is the last time you checked your own stats? Think about your girlfriend now. Have you considered the last time she went the extra mile? When she took a road trip or booked a flight to see you? Have you considered when she took time out of her already busy day to order those balloons for your baby shower or when she picked up the check because you got promoted at work? How about when she told the server at the restaurant it was your birthday and they surprised you with a dessert after your meal? I do not like to keep score but at some point you have to consider this give and take relationship. Make things right and give back selflessly if you see yourself slipping and being a shitty friend.
We should also be able to rely on our girlfriends for support as we grow and our lives change. Our girlfriends understand us because they are us. You may accumulate the title of significant other, fiancee, wife, and/or mother but that doesn't mean you demote the title of girlfriend.
Oprah and Gayle. Blair and Serena. Phoebe, Rachel and Monica. Beyonce, Kelly, Michelle and Solange.
Fine Friends find Fine Friends!
Namaste,
T. Singleton
Girlfriend. Home girl. Sister. HER.
"Do you know her?"
We should know her. We should BE her. But do we know what it takes to be HER?
Do you know what it takes to be a good friend? Do you know the G code? That's the girl code and if you don't know the basic rules; you are probably a shitty friend. Okay, kind of harsh but necessary. Stay with me.
Basic girl code includes the same as any relationship; open communication, honesty, respect and loyalty. You have to nurture the relationship or else it will fail. There is so much written on how to nurture a romantic relationship but there isn't as much on how to be a good friend. Is it innate? It should be however; I think it should not always be assumed. There are some occasions where we sometimes miss the mark.
1. Birthdays or Special Occasions Specifically for Her- Do you make sure you ask her in advance what her plans are? Or do you wait for her to bring it up? Do you ask her significant other or other girlfriends what they plan on doing? Sometimes you have a girlfriend that is vocal and makes these plans in advance but in the event that you have a girlfriend that isn't as outspoken about what she wants; think about her likes and dislikes. YOU KNOW HER. It doesn't need to be something expensive or outlandish. Maybe you get her a cupcake and her favorite wine. Maybe you send her flowers or decorative coffee mug with tea because both of you love piping hot TEA. Something sentimental holds more weight. The same as with a relationship with a significant other making sure that day is a little more special than any other day. What if your significant other said "well, you didn't tell me what you wanted" as an excuse for not acknowledging the special day?
2. Other Friend Groups- You may have other girlfriends that she may not hang with because she only knows them through you. She isn't as close to them; if at all. This is where full transparency comes in. Making plans for a girls night? Going on a girls trip? Or maybe you are just going to happy hour? You need to make sure you open that invite to all your girlfriends. The last thing you need is to post a picture on social media with one group of friends and your girlfriend sees it like "well, damn...I guess I am not as special." You should open the invite and give them the option to accept or decline. We as women do not want to hear "Oh, it was last minute. I didn't even want to go." Well, you did and you suck.
3. Singling Out Friends- You need to have a line of demarcation in your friendship circle in the circumstance where you have to choose one girlfriend for something such as being the maid of honor in your wedding or accompanying you to event where you have one extra ticket. Your other girlfriends should know automatically that she is the one because otherwise, you will hurt some feelings. I use the number "one" girlfriend for example purposes but I know there are women with more than one best girlfriend. This is perfectly fine but my main point is there should be a definitive line of who is closer because not everyone would be on the same level. This could be based on how long you've known them, how much you have been through with them, or if they are related such as a sister or cousin. You've seen the movie "Bridesmaids" so let's avoid the bestie mic snatching. However; if you find yourself in the position where you haven't made it clear and there is no hierarchy, I recommend doing something by chance such as playing paper/rock/scissors or pulling names out of a hat to remove the bias from the situation.
I think once we have figured out the girl code; we think we are in the clear and it's smooth sailing from that point. Well, IT'S NOT.
As a girl matures into a woman and starts accumulate more titles such as significant other, fiancee, wife, and/or mother; being a good girlfriend becomes a challenge. We know each of these titles comes with more work. Rewarding work but more work nonetheless. So how does this change the dynamic of being a good girlfriend?
I believe once we tack on these titles; we put our girlfriends to a lower priority. Hopefully, we keep it as a priority altogether. Come on. We all know the girl that suddenly cut everyone off after acquiring these titles.
You need to make time for girlfriends. Yes, you have to fulfill the duties of a significant other, fiancee, wife, and/or mother however; you still need your time to unwind, vent and just have someone supportive that understands you as a woman. She may be going through the same thing so you have that time to bond and release some stress.
Don't assume she is too busy holding those other titles or "always says no" to an invite to hang out. She may seem too busy or has declined a few times before but give her that option. And if she continues to decline so much where you think it's beginning to change your relationship; that is when you tell her how you feel. Start that open dialog and continue to grow together. I think it's so easy for women to cut off the "she is too busy" friend and make other friends which causes resentment. If you do not make time for girlfriends; you will become the "she is too busy" friend.
If she does something out of line; address it. This is especially true if she does or says something out of line to someone else you know. You should be able to tell her she is wrong and not avoid the situation. We need more people being truthful with us and not just tell us what we want to hear. Also, be open to her addressing you on something you did or said. And whatever you do; do not talk about her to another friend. You should be able to tell her this face to face. It keeps you both accountable.
When is the last time you checked your own stats? Think about your girlfriend now. Have you considered the last time she went the extra mile? When she took a road trip or booked a flight to see you? Have you considered when she took time out of her already busy day to order those balloons for your baby shower or when she picked up the check because you got promoted at work? How about when she told the server at the restaurant it was your birthday and they surprised you with a dessert after your meal? I do not like to keep score but at some point you have to consider this give and take relationship. Make things right and give back selflessly if you see yourself slipping and being a shitty friend.
We should also be able to rely on our girlfriends for support as we grow and our lives change. Our girlfriends understand us because they are us. You may accumulate the title of significant other, fiancee, wife, and/or mother but that doesn't mean you demote the title of girlfriend.
Oprah and Gayle. Blair and Serena. Phoebe, Rachel and Monica. Beyonce, Kelly, Michelle and Solange.
Fine Friends find Fine Friends!
Namaste,
T. Singleton
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